EVERY muscle in my body seized up as I was spewed into the Jungle. Soon, however, my legs unknotted themselves and I became aware of my surroundings.
I was in a similar clearing to the last one, but with one major, difference. I was wearing some really ludicrous clothes.
Upon my head was a pith helmet, and I was clad in khaki. My instincts told me I was mad, but the label on the shorts read C&A 100%,Cotton. Figures. Only C&A could produce something like this.
Next came another major revelation. Hanging loosely on my back was an elongated letter opener. Perhaps Mr. Wogan isn’t so evil after all – this will be useful for opening coconuts and passion fruit.
At that time I was still in a daze, but as sure as eggs are eggs, I was not alone. The ground in front of me heaved and a small hole appeared. From it emanated a nasty-looking creature, resembling a spider. Without thinking I drew my letter opener. Stab, stab, swipe, schylik! It disappeared. This was not the last time I would see the thing, as more appeared all the while, and suffered the same fate.
I noticed something in an alcove on the other side of the clearing. It looked remarkably like a pith helmet of the sort I had on, sitting on a pile of wood.
Gadzooks! – a grave! Another unfortunate had also ventured here and been reaped. In a mark of respect I crossed it, but as I picked it up – splat - it had gone.
At same moment another fiend appeared. This time a very vicious looking bush fire, sweeping across the clearing at me.
Seeking a way out, I dashed blatantly through a gap in the trees..

UPON leaving the clearing I met another fellow human person. I first caught sight of him running from the East, waving
with spear and shield. I reasoned that he may have been in peril.
As he approached, a snake-like something appeared directly in his path. Being the civil and public spirited person that I am, I called to him to look out. He seemed to take no notice, and then had the audacity to walk unharmed over the creature.
Assuming that he understood the Queen’s English, I exclaimed, 'That’s good. How do you do it?’
There came no reply. He just ran at me. Again, letting my instincts take over, I drew my weapon and stabbed at him. Too far away. l inadvertently returned my sword to its sheath. As I did all went black, I was thrust backwards and slammed into a wall of trees. He was still advancing .I stood up, drew my swordly thing and... The bounder Just waddled off in the other direction.
'Um Bongo, ’ it uttered just as a Hippo passed it.
Hippopotamus – a big, purple, hairy lump of an animal, bounding towards me like a sloppy puppy. It looked too cute to stab, but maintaining my stiff upper lip attitude, I poked it just for good measure. As it raced by, I felt a twinge of guilt.
Presently I reached a corner, and took it to be faced by yet another comer. As I rounded the latter, more nasties appeared, this time a scorpion and a rather moronic looking parrot. A short slaughter later, I found myself headed North, around several disorienting passages and into a clearing not unlike the one from which I started.
Similar, that is, except for one thing. In the corner, glimmering in sunlight, was a quarter piece of the extraordinary Amulet. hastened towards it.

THE air was filled with a dulcet tune, and the voice of the guardian reappeared.
‘One piece is all that you have found, collect three more and outward bound. '
'Very nice, Terry, ' I whispered, sarcastically.
'Shut up, and get on with your impossible task, crouton features.'
At that I was returned to my normal insane condition and dwardled off, by now feeling rather fatigued.
So my travels continued, for a short time anyway, because I came across an extremely odd oddment, in the shape of a very odd bottle. This bottle was in the shape of a man, and about the size of an Action Man. Bravely, I unscrewed the head. Why, I don't know, I mean I’m not getting paid for this (you sure aren’t -Ed). Within the bottle lay a liquid. Goodo – I thought - perhaps it’s tea. So I drank some.
‘Extra Life!’ bellowed Terry Wogan.
'Spot on!’ I replied, not quite knowing what he meant.
After that brief, but very poignant encounter, I trotted off again, slaughtering innocent animals, prodding hippos and and generally savaging the savages.
Soon I stumbled over something new. A monstrous flower in the middle of the path. When I first saw it, it was only an iddy little thing, but as I approached it burst into flower, a big yellow obtrusion onto which I trod.
That l regretted. For as soon as l squashed it, I was left immobilised for an uncomfortable period of time (- so what's new)?
Still, after my bout of immobilitis, I was back on my blistered feet,
flying along at a cracking pace, until...